When I finally had sex in a hall of mirrors I was fucking beside myself.

What’s the difference between a fence and a wall? I give them a wall, and they take offense.

A horse walked into a bar… After assessing the danger of the situation 5 men immediately left the bar.

Auto-correct changed my “I’m tired” to “shut the fuck up, you unemployed bitch”.

How many teenage mutant ninja turtules does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. It’s a huge problem.

Why is it so confusing to play chess with the British? It’s only check, mate

Why did God give women yeast infections? So they would have to know what it’s like to live with an annoying cunt too.

Gay men are so mean. They’re all fucking assholes.

When I give people a tour of my bedroom, I like to say, “And this is where the magic happens,” followed by a sad, “… magic isn’t real.”

Hey other men: I’m tweeting this from your mom’s phone. The implication being that she’s sexually promiscuous: a big insult in our culture.