A farmer has 178 cows roaming freely in his field. After he rounds them up, he has 200 cows.

You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like? [cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives] Your survival instincts take over

I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends? In an explosion.

What’s a nanny’s favorite letter? I don’t know, but it’s not E.

I’m a shy little Pebble…. I wish to be a little Bolder

Doctor Doctor I’ve a split personality Well you’d better both sit down then!

Can putting ketchup on everything affect your credit score?

Absolutely love holding my son, I can’t stop looking at him. Whoops! This is a churro. It’s just a churro.

Whoa. There are books on TAPE? Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives.

For #BackToTheFutureDay try and get your mom to hit on you.