Everyone on here complains about “the hivemind” and “circlejerk” ruining the site I don’t get it, it’s not like it’s Comcast or anything?

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting “UNSUBSCRIBE!”

My girlfriend walked in on me again while I was eating cake frosting she’d hidden in the fridge. I hate getting caught masticating.

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize Ayy

To be used as an insult or a pick up line for a heavy set woman- “You don’t need to lose weight, you need to gain bone.”

“Hey, mate, rumors have it that you won a car in a lottery, wanna hang out sometimes?” “Yeah, it’s mostly true, except it was a house, not a car. And poker, not lottery. And lost, not won”.

You know what they say… If a Chilean Miner gets scared and runs back to his hole it’s winter for 6 more weeks.

16 sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by batman