I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut. “There’s more to it than that” they say. Whatever.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth? De-calf-inated

Why doesn’t Anne Coulter have any loose skin? She’s afraid someone will make a lampshade out of it.

What’s a cow’s favorite form of entertainment? The moovies

Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem *car honk* he didn’t have access to the record scratch sound effect

Did you hear the bad news about the Italian chef? He pasta way.

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with my balls… I had to weiner off it.

What is a zombie’s favorite restaurant? Subway: East flesh!

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

What rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre