If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That’s how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models. It took him a moment.

Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility… everyone is counting on them.

Best part about staying up late = total absence of morning people.

What do you call a Mexican carpet fitter? “underlay underlay”

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None–He’ll only promise “change.”

Blind Masturbation Championships Went to the blind masturbation championships the other day. No idea where I came.

What did German kids get for Christmas during th holocaust? Easy Bake Ovens

What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom? If your dad knew how you were acting he’d roll over in his gravy?

Why do people call the deceased “late”? They aren’t late.. They aren’t coming.