I will base my art on something deeply personalfrom my childhood *childhood was full of mass-market products* *everyone had same childhood*

Two guys stole a calendar and divided it equally, but they got caught. They each got six months.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist..

My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments. Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.

What did the ghost say during its planned act of terrorism? Allaboo Akbar.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France? All that was left was da brie.

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

It’s been said that bird droppings on the shoulder is good luck… That’s crap.