You shouldn’t legally be allowed to buy Cool Ranch Doritos unless you pay for it with change while stoned at a gas station

“…you can also say ‘representative’ at any ti–” “REPRESENTATIVE!!”

What do you call a stupid skeleton? Bonehead.

If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn’t concentrate.

Oh, you’re having a bad day? In 1976, Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. Now it’s worth $58,065,210,000.

Don’t drink while driving you will spill the beer.

How do you confuse a Republican? Wrap an unarmed black man in the American Flag

There is a new Barbie doll on the market – Trailer Park Barbie …for the parent who wants to show their child what grown-up life is really going to be like