in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played “in the end” by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december? The specific ocean.

Why does the NSA hate the winter? They got snowed in.

When you’re enjoying your Chow mein.. ..but you miss your dog.

What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A CARROT

When they announced Ashley Madison was made up of almost all guys… I realized the internet really is a series of tubes.

You’ve failed history again ! Well you always told me to let bygones be bygones !

My friend tells me he gets 20 times more bitches than me I told him: u get no bitches because 20*0=0 🙁

She’s like a cat. I don’t mean in bed, she just ignores me