What do you do when a bird attacks you? Duck.

What do you name a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter. He won’t come.

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

How do tacos fair in a war? They tend to be shells of their former selves

What happens when you cross Elton John and a sabre tooth tiger? I don’t know, but you better keep it away from your ass! (Credit: Kenny Hotz)

I wanted to have dinner before 8:30pm. So I told my wife that I absolutely needed it by 7:30pm.

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies] “Oh peas no!” [WHAP] “Why u bean like this?” [SMACK] “Don’t u carrot all?” [CRACK]

What do pickles do to make themselves look more beautiful They get Vlasic surgery

What do you call a black person flying a plane? A nigg-air!

My asian girlfriend made me mad so I replied in text message with.. -_-