I just told my dog to “say hi” to another dog. And yes, I realize that’s crazy; this chihuahua obviously only speaks Spanish.

How do you choose a stupid policeman from a group of policemen? At random.

Why do the Japaneese have squinty eyes? Do you have any idea how bright a nuke is?

What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that’s your business

I always scroll to see how long an article is before I don’t read it.

Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, ‘Dad, when I grow up, I’m gonna marry you.’ We laughed about it. Then my wife said, ‘Don’t make the same mistake I did.’

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a fish? Lightbulb.

My friend’s star sign was cancer, so I guess it’s quite ironic how he died. He got attacked by a giant crab.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

I dislike three types of people Racists, hypocrites and mexicans