The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate. I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

Why is 6 afraid of 7? because 7 is a registered sex offender.

I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.

Anybody who says they could never conceive of killing another human being just needs to meet more people.

The best writerly advice is to start each paragraph w “Here’s somethin for ya!” as the reader is now engaged & will follow you anywhere

So I was at a book store the other day and I saw a Vietnamese cookbook… It was called “How to Wok Your Dog”.

Did you hear about the woman who got those wooden breast implants? It would make for a good punchline, wooden tit?

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What does earth say to the other planets? You have no life

They say sex after marriage is not the same. My sex life is like the Olympics! Happens once every four years, costs me lots of money, & there’s usually a big fight afterward.