When I bring a girl back to my bedroom, I tell her “this is where the magic happens”, then I pull a rabbit out of a hat.

My father told me a joke. How many Germans does it take screw in a lightbulb? He said Nein My dads jokes are the wurst I tell you.

As we celebrate Awareness Month, please retweet this if you know anyone, or know anyone who knows anyone.

KNOCK KNOCK!? Knock knock? -whuz diz? Opportunity -nigga be lying opportunity doesn’t knock twice

What’s the best part about banging Jessica Alba? You’ll know if she was faking it.

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand. No, it’s not what you think. I just watched Hook.

*20-something kangaroo calling mom* yea so i thought maybe i could get back in the pouchlike just for a few months til i figure things out

What’s that one song that’s like “duh duh duhduh duh” and they sing about girls and clubs and dancing. I think it’s Top 40, if that helps.

The battery level on my phone pretty much dictates my life.

A night-shift nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says… “Oh damn it, some asshole has my pen!”