Add an exclamation point to an email BOOM you’re a morning person.

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

[guy bursts into crowded real estate agents] OK NOBODY MOVE *from back office* Aw c’mon man – really? It’s tough enough in this economy.

Why’d the man buy a 30 pack of condoms instead of the 10 pack… So he’d get the best bang for his buck.

Morse code is like taking a shower with black guys and asian Long short long long long short long short short

My son and I don’t get along. I call him a son of a bitch. He calls me a motherfucker. Technically we’re both right.

From my 3yr old nephew: Why do chickens sit on their eggs? Because they don’t have chairs.

(NSFW) They’ve finally published my self-help book about having sex with herbs It’s about fucking thyme.

How do pirates agree with each other over long distances? With their aye-phones.

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti