Yo momma so short and poor… …that she gotta reach up to touch rock bottom.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

Want to hear a joke about toilet paper? Nevermind… it’s tearable.

Why can’t T-Rex’s high five? Because they’re all dead.

That rose tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 19. Now it looks like red cabbage

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

I like my women like I like my coffee.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

What did one muffin say to the other muffin? Nothing, because muffins can’t talk..

A liberal, a conservative and a moderate walk into a bar. The bartender says “Afternoon, Mitt! What can I get for you?”