Her: Well, I know I told you that. Me: *closes eyes* Her: What are you doing? Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

Why can’t Helen Keller drive? because she’s dead

Last autumn, a nice flower salesmen sold me some poppies in some cool cylinders. Oh boy! Two more months and here I come, fall opiate tubes!

What is Benedict Cumberbatch going as for Halloween? Benedict Pumpkinpatch

I have the best prison name Mitochondria

[updating CW’s iPhone] M: You need more gigs CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.

How are women like tornadoes? At first there’s lots of blowing and sucking, then your house is gone.

Last year, I got socks for Christmas. The year before, I got a couple of sacks. And before that, a sax. For pity’s sake, Santa, you blind old jerk, it’s sex. S-E-X.

Dang girl you’re so hot because you have all the physical attributes that the general media has conditioned me to find attractive.

What’s the difference between you and a bag of shit? You’re not in a bag.