If your smartphone is wet.. .. put it into a bottle of rice. The rice will then attract asians who will repair it.

What do you get when you cross a highway with a lawnmower? Killed.

Still carry my keys one-poking-out-like-a-weapon-style in case I’m attacked by a not very tough rapist with thin skin.

Son – Dad, you wanted a boy or a girl? Dad – seriously son, i just wanted to fuck.

The ONLY reason I’m voting for Hillary Clinton George Soros 🙁

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

What do you call an alligator that always starts fights? An instigator!

The minimum wage in Canada is 9 compliments an hour

my doctor told me to watch my drinking and so i bought some mirrors

What’s Donald Trump’s favorite album to listen to? The Wall