Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: When you lay a brick it doesn’t follow you around for two weeks whining.

What’s the smallest instrument in the world? An e-lectron.

How can you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat? One is weasely identifiable while the other is stoatally different.

What’s the worst vegetable to have on a boat? A leek.

Just realised why careers advisors are shit they couldn’t even pick their own career

A man walks into a therapist’s with just clingfilm around his waist therapist says, “I can clearly see you’re nuts”.

The way I feel when a waiter brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he’s not the father.

Cop: A ghost killed your family? Guy: Yes! Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl? Guy: No? Cop: Well there you go.

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.