My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.

I wish i was Batman Because my parents would be dead.

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

My brain keeps singing songs I don’t even like.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? You pull the pin and throw it back.

Coolest jobs: 1)Beer maker 2)Secretary of War 3)Ninja 4)Guy who pushes scared skydivers

My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.

Which doesn’t belong: Meat, a Blow Job, Your Wife, An Egg A Blowjob, you can beat your Meat, you can beat your wife, and you can beat an egg, but you can’t beat a blow job

What’s purple and chained to my front porch? That’s my nigger and I’ll paint him whatever color I want!

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.