My friend was really worried when he had to get tested for HIV. I told him just think positive.

I’d be great at Wheel of Fortune. I shout random shit all the time. It’s called “tourettes”. “Pat, I’d like to buy a… FUCK! SHIT! FUCK!”

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

A Freddie Mercury Joke If you had sex with Freddie Mercury and got AIDS, would that be considered Mercury poisoning?

I have no respect for paedophiles… … they’re fucking immature assholes.

Eat, Pray, Smoke Weed, Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat, Love.

What’s the difference between a oral and rectal thermometer The taste.

What do you call a blonde standing between two brunettes? A mental block!

I lost my job today “What? How?” I just wasn’t a good housekeeper “BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER” Well that explains all the screaming

I used to like Mitch Hedberg I still do but I used to too. RIP Mitch, we miss you.