What’s the difference between an American zoo and a Chinese zoo? An American zoo will only have a description of the animal. The Chinese zoo has the price and recipe of the animal.

If you ever struggle to make your woman happy, just remember Eve was in the Garden of Eden and it wasn’t good enough.

What do a dead fish and dog shit have in common? They are both front-page material on reddit

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

So I was in Jerusalem and a man was trying to sell me a gold watch… I kept telling him I don’t want it. It looks too fake, not real gold. He looked at me and says “It’s not fake, Israel.”

Yo momma’s so fat… …she sat on a quarter and squeezed a booger out of George Washington’s nose!

How to stop, drop and roll if you are drunk. If you’re drunk, it’s not called the stop, drop and roll. It’s called the stop, drop and stop rolling around so your drunk friend can piss on you.

What does a mathematician do when he’s constipated? He works it out with a pencil.

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

I don’t want to know the truth. Lie to me and make it ok.