Did you hear about the salad who went missing? All they found were its chard romaines

How come Jews run the world? Because they dominate the gas industry

People thought I was crazy when I said I was going to cure blindness. But they’ll see. They’ll all see!

Garbage day. When you find out which neighbors are drunks by how many bottles they throw out holy shit this one still has something in it.

Pregnancy I’m too smart to want children, but not smart enough to make *her* not want ’em.

Good in bed? So I was asked by a girl recently if I was good in bed. My reply: “I know I’m good in bed because I’m always satisfied!”

Whenever the wind gets bad… I think to myself, “It may be windy but at least its not sandy.”

I was feeling a bit down today… So I breathed some helium. It picked me right up!

I just burned 2000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven when I take a nap.

Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot ? He flew 57 missions !