What do a Feminist and a Hockey Player have in common? They both change their pads after three periods.

What do you call a fat rat? enormouse

[GRAND CANYON] WIFE: Isn’t this incredible? ME: It’s ok. WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons? ME: I don’t want to talk about it

“Meet sexy singles in your area!” Why do I always recognize the girls in the “Meet sexy singles in your area!” from 4chan? I didn’t know there were so many girls in my area on 4chan!

You could make a whole biopic about my life using only the infomercial footage of people unable to perform simple tasks for no reason.

I got kicked out of the cancer ward at my hospital today. Apparently laughter isn’t the best medicine.

Request: Give me your best wedding joke! (jokes with puns are absolutely acceptable)

What is green and glides down a mountain? A skiwi

Jesus walked into a tavern and saw a man who could not walk. He said, “FRIEND, HAVE YOU BEEN INVOLVED IN AN ACCIDENT AT WORK THAT WASN’T YOUR FAULT?!”

Proves a point Bruce Jenner never had a car accident until he became a woman driver.