I got invited to my first HS party… ten years too late, fuck you all i’m not going to the reunion, get bent.

A man walks into a restaurant in Mainland China. He calls the waiter over and tells him, ‘That steak was rubbery.’ ‘Thank you for the compriment, sir, and have a rubbery evening!’

Do you know why Eskimos always do their laundry in tide? Because it’s too cold out-tide!

No YOU let your kid think he could turn the traffic lights green with his mind powers until he was 10 yrs old!

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

Rabbits in a row. What do you get when 100 rabbits stand in a row and 99 take a step back? A receding hare line.

How do fish get high? Seaweed

Did you hear about Mike Tyson’s opinion on ears? He had some biting commentary on the matter.

No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.