Dear woman who likes to bring her friends along on our first date. You are simply giving me more options just in case I am not feeling you.

Three things in the universe are constant. The speed of light, gravity, and laundry.

When Santa arrives at home, he says: Honey, I’m ho-ho-home! … I’ll show myself out.

[texting] you mean the wolf to me -wolf? ha! autocorrect fail! -lol what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

Liquids with high viscosity… Why can’t liquids with high viscosity get insurance? They resist Flo.

With my luck, I bet if I was homeless, I’d probably end up with the shopping cart with the fucked up wheel.

What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, because he is too short to be an essay!

Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can’t hear me through binoculars.

Jared from Subway should be happy… … He will have a life time supply of foot-longs where he’s going.

The Joys of Horse-riding by Jim Kama