What was the first thing the stowaway to Mars said after he landed? Just out of Curiosity…

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here Stay! Come here Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar… and orders a Martini. The bartender asks,”Olive or twist?”

Wondering when Oceans 14 is coming out? It already did, it’s called “The Hobbit”.

little son knows How to scare parents? Dad: “Can I see your report card, son?” Son: “I don’t have it.” Dad: “Why?” Son: “I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.”

I can prove global warming is real. The Chicago Cubs are still playing its October already.

House is a good doctor. He’s also got a good heart. He should let his friends see the real him. But he’s scared.

Could you guys not make jokes about the holocaust here? My grandfather died in the holocaust, and it’s really offending me. He fell out of one of the guard towers at Auschwitz

How do you make an idiot think he’s a duck? Tell him he’s a duck.