My English professor had a colonoscopy… Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

So, how do you like your job as an elevator repairman? Meh, it has its ups and downs

Why was number 6 scared of number 7? Because 7 8 9!

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

What do you call a strongheaded female rapper, and a flatulent Spanish woman? One’s a Queen Latifah, and one’s a Queef Latina.

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich… After finishing his meal, he tries to pull out a gun, but the owner shoots him dead because he’s seen this joke on /r/jokes a hundred times.

My wife has a book on homeopathy I’ve only read the blurb on the back, but I think I know everything I need to know about it.

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie? “You mean MAY, not CAN” Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

When someone describes themselves as a “foodie” I automatically assume they shit a lot.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.