Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number… Me: …because I still need it.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

If you’re wondering at what age you’ll stop messing up your life know that it’s not 40 and apparently not 50 either.

Why do they say you are what you eat? I don’t know but everyone calls me an asshole.

What do you call a dog who loves to be dominated? A sub woofer. Thank you & God Bless

When I look up at the majesty of all them stars it really gets me to thinkin, when we gonna get that ding dong roof patched up!? Ah horse apples!

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

When cute black and white bears start communing with spirits, it’s pandanormal.

Not only is my new thesaurus terrible… It’s also terrible

I am never going to procrastinate again… Starting next semester