Teacher to child: ‘do you know how to spell banana? Child: ‘Yes, but I don’t know when to stop’.

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter *calls to check on the sitter

[CSI at Starbucks] “Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.” Barista: At what? “At large” At what? “At venti?” OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

I just ate lunch at a restaurant that calls french fries, ‘Freedom Fries.’ Thats just fucking stupid, pardon my freedom.

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie? HER: sure, sounds great. [next day] HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

TIFU was good, but the hole was too small.

What’s more inbred than English monarchs? Wheat.

If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world.

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises… The librarian said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.” I said, “Yes, that’s the one.”