What’s pink, bubbly and scratches at glass? A baby in a microwave

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky

How come if you eat two cookies you gain 3 lbs. Then when you take a major dump, you don’t lose anything?

Whats the funniest joke you know? You.

I went on a date last night with a tiny lobster. It didnt go well. She was a little shellfish.

I shoudl not be expected to put my knee on the ground to propose to a woman, the same ground where the animals shit,

Facebook needs a button that’s the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ catholic.

All my hostile pals are in hospitals.