[out to eat with in-laws] Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne Wife: Hey these are my parents Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

Life is like a bed of roses. You just have to watch out for the pricks.

why do indians hate snow? because it is white and on their land

Thank you automatic ice dispenser. I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

What do calenders eat? Nothing. Calenders are inanimate objects that are used to keep track of the date and important events.

My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!

What do we call of spill of the world’s most abundant resource? A sunny day.

So, a squirrel walks into a bar- -k

Women are like rollercoasters… Fucking mental.

Why do console gamers use their in game names in real life? They haven’t got anti-aliasing.