When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mum said, “Just use a fucking spoon, Mike. You’re not a Jedi.”

What does the weather do when Hitler’s around? It heils.

Sometimes I stand in front of a Redbox until a long line gathers behind me.. Then I’ll yell. Where’s the fucking Pepsi button on this thing?

Why are envelopes and papers white? Because blackmail is illegal.

Which Hollywood actress has made sure all sci-fi movies like alien; ghostbusters; avatar & chappie are “woven” together? Sigourney “Weaver” 😛

Why would you never starve in the desert? Because of all the sandwiches there.

One day Canada will conquer the galaxy… And they’ll call it the *Milky Eh*.

If Trump wins the election, Mexicans be like.. [removed]

Lif is too short

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.