What is the hardest part of cutting a baby in half with a straight razor? My erection.

9/11 may have been an inside job…. But 7/11 was a part time one

My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. He’s too young to know about sex, so I told him they’re just lazy.

50% of Canada Is the letter A

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed. Trump: I’m gonna be the president Castro: well then…….

I have chronic diarrhea. My dad also has chronic diarrhea, and his dad had it too… It runs in our jeans.

“Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha” yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting

I don’t always roll a joint, But when I do it’s my ankle

What do you call someone who cuts down trees? A lumberjack, you fucking idiot.

Happy New Year Reddit! Just Kidding you really came for my cake day! Happy 1 Year Reddit