I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays”.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

“You never tell me you love me,” said my girlfriend. I said, “That’s because you never ask.” She said, “Do you want me to?” “Go for it,” I replied. She said, “Do you love me?” I said, “No.”

Why should Rihanna date the Edmonton Oilers? Because they don’t beat anybody.

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke “Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver.”

What do WNBA players make? Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share

If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time… …are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Record ice and precipitation in the northeast and I’m paranoid that the government is watching me Because I am snowed in.

I’m going to a trial in Great Sept of Baelor today, AMA. Edit: Wow, this blew up!