“Hello?” “Hi it’s me” “Oh hi me”

TIL that if a seamstress messes up even one stick, the thing van unwravel Oops. Wrong thread This^ joke type is stupid and I hate it. Maybe you won’t

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs

TIL Australians don’t have sex They just mate

Where do you hide cocaine in orphanage? Right under the children’s noses

[introducing you to my family] “this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”

You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.

Why can’t your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot..

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

PSA: If you have kids, do not label the box of your …ahem.. special items “Toys”. It’s very awkward to explain.