What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up!

I have a lot of guilt from things I’ve done in the past so I’m grateful Twitter allows me to focus my pent up anger on strangers.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman ? Snowballs.

Clowns terrorizing the streets. A real life billionaire villain running for president. We need Batman now more than ever

Toilets can be so full of shit sometimes.

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money. Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

Sure, when a girl writes your name inside a heart it’s “cute” But when -I- do it they call it “narcissism”

Newt Gingrich would probably leave the presidential race… if he learned it had cancer.