My cat went missing, so I put up posters of myself that says… “If you’re reading this, you better get your ass back home right now!”

A bomb goes off at Reddit Wow, this blew up!

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?” wife: “hm not really” me: “the dog jogs a lot”

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 shot up a school

*lives in a crumbling democracy on a slow terrible decline* hellll yes who just got two green lights in a row

If you believe in God, yet you can’t believe it’s not butter, then your faith needs to get its damn priorities straight.

If her age is on the clock then she’s ready for the cock

Pirate, land lubber Yarrrr, Why be it that land-lubbers are never confident? For they are always on shore…

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!

Where can you always find money? In the dictionary.