‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Wlkom I happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I’m going back to my surgeon to get my dressing changed tomorrow. Or, to put it another way… I’m seeking redress from the man who cut me.

Knock knock! Who’s there Jehovah Witnesses Jehovah Wit… *covers their mouth* SSSHHHhhh There right outside

ME: Would you like a snack? 4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

When does a hunger strike stop? When hunger strikes.

Why is Adam known as the first accountant? He turned a leaf and made an entry.

What’s the greatest trick the Austrians ever pulled off? It was to convince the world that Mozart was Austrian and that Hitler in fact was German.

doktor: did you get a drug test? me: nah I know what I’m on