Does anyone get the urge to tweet something really bad just to see if the government is really paying attention to you?

If you were 8 years old when “red, red wine” was released UB40 now.

Don’t argue with strangers on the Internet. Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen.

What is the difference between Hitler and Seabiscuit? Seabiscuit could finish a race.

If anyone sees Phillip… …tell him I have his screwdriver.

A husband came home with half a gallon of ice cream and asked his wife if she wanted some. “How hard is it?” she asked. “About as hard as my dick.” he replied. “Pour me some.”

London weather is just like Iraq. A little bit sunni, but mostly shiite.

How to explain non-alcoholic beer? It’s like eating your sisters pussy, the taste is the same but you know something is not right.

I couldn’t figure out how to use my seatbelt.. Then it clicked.

[NSFW] I like my coffee the way I like slaves… Free, you asshole.