Executioner: any last words? Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch

How do you know if someone is an Alabama fan? Oh don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

What do a gay man having sex and a pom pom have in common? They’re both poofs on the end of a stick.

I’m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.

Did you hear about the guy with two wooden legs who’s house burnt down? He fell on his ash.

shout out to.. shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other. I went to law school for this.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

What kind of comedian becomes more famous if they bomb than if they don’t? An Islamic one.

My mom was supposed to die in the 9/11 incident.. I think – Anthony Jeselnik