[tv commercial] me: “know what i’d love for breakfast?” mum: “what’s that son?” me: “if someone pre-chewed my food” narrator: “porridge”

What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”

I keep trying to make funny eye puns… But my friends say they keep getting cornea and cornea.

I hate how much time my kids spend staring at their iPads. I wish they’d look up once in a while & pay attention to me staring at my iPhone.

How many wrinkles does an asshole have? Smile and ill start counting

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married? Well they said the wedding was okay, but the reception was awesome!

So a “refugee” walks into a bar… …So a firefighter walks into the remains of a bar…

I told my doctor that I keep getting embarrassing erections. He said, “It’s OK. Just think of your grandma.” As I sat there with my cock in my hand, I said, “Then what?”

Did you hear about corduroy pillow cases? They’re making all the headlines! Never said it was a good joke…

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.