Little boy: “daddy, I want to be a Men’s Rights Activist when I grow up” Dad: son, don’t grow up to be an irritating wuss

“Hello 911?” “Someone just stole my status on Facebook… yes, I’ll hold.”

They should hire people to stand in Times Square and yell “WALK FASTER!”

Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing!

What is the only thing more permanent than a Sharpie marker? A STD.

A guy told me he didn’t have a penis I doubt he gets cocky often.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You hold the lightbulb and every politician screws you!

About 90% of people do not know the opposite of these words… Always Coming From Take Me Down

What kind of ears do trains have? Engineers (engine ears).