What’s the paradox of ‘lingerie’? Done right, it doesn’t linger.

*navigation voice* BEAR TO THE RIGHT *gets eaten by bear*

Though my heart is a fist, I really do my girlfriend

first day at school?” Mother: “Did you enjoy your first day at school?” Girl: “First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

[boxing match] Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

TIFU by… Getting needled by a dirty prick.

What did the two stoners do with their son when they divorced? They put him under joint custody.

What’s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? (NSFW ish) I wouldn’t let a Garbanzo Bean on my face.

Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

Whats the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon? I can get through his opening monologue without laughing