Animals can sense disasters before they happen. That’s why the neighbors dog barks whenever I make a move on a girl.

Why do school nurses bring a red crayon to work? So they can draw blood

God: NOAH. Noah: Yes Lord? God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes? Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart. “Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

I’m terrible at directions Fuck me, left!

What does Massive Attack call Parkinson’s Disease? Interia Creeps Moovin’ Up Slowly

Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!

How Long is a Chinese Mans name. Yes, yes it is. Old joke my grandpa like to tell.

eer booze and fun!’ ‘WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

What insect does a neckbeard keep as a pet? M’ladybug