You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

I slept with a supermodel last night Alternative facts.

Made a graph of my past relationships I have an ex-axis and a why-axis

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

Why does the sad crab walk side ways? Because he has nothing to look forward to

Waiter there’s a fly swimming in my soup! Then we’ve served you too much soup the fly should be wading

Friends may come and go, but friends with benefits cum and go

What’s loud and sounds like “apples”? *APPLES!!!*

How hot was that oven? That they baked you in? Because you’re hotter than a freshly baked Pizza!

I was asked to be an Elvis impersonator for a kid’s birthday party. I showed up drunk, shot the TV, then died on the toilet.