If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

Ninjas are like virgins…. No one ever sees them coming

Ever see a bottle of TUMS in the mirror? You’ll run out of windex…

Heard about the new game of thrones app? It’s good but I heard it might CUT OFF your wifi connectivity

I’m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.

An Airport goes to the Dr… And the Dr says, “i have bad news. You have cancer.” The airport replies, “oh no, what kind?” “Terminal.”

Q: How is a marriage like a hot bath? A: Once you get used to it it’s not so hot.

I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning. She’s still too young to understand what I was doing, though.

2 fish are in a tank One of them says “You drive, I’ll shoot!”

When flying to Prague… …all of your bags are Czeched