[Next door dog barking] Me: *inserts earpugs* [Barking intensifies] Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

I went to Africa and spoke with the people there… It just clicked.

What do Islamic McDonalds employees wear? A cheeseburka

I got arrested for saying “Hi!” to my friend Jack The Air Marshall doesn’t screw around

My mom said if I don’t stop using reddit she will bang my head on keyboard But I know she will never do that because she loves medssxcvnklkjfsaarfscnnlknvdgjjbcfggukkfrhhvvvrrjbzddsazvbdwjjhguoiufde

How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs? He was delighted.

#hashtag From the stoners who brought you “420” and “hella” comes the hot new game Hash Tag!! cause, i mean, come on…regular tag just isn’t that fun.

If there are degrees of asshole, I’m the pressing the crosswalk button even after watching you do it because maybe you did it wrong kind.

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious. THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan. ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

Religion is a lot like sex They’ve both destroyed just as many lives as they have created.