I have no respect for mules. Everything they do is half-assed.

What do you call bread so burnt it can never be ate? Comatoast

I’m drunk & I want a TV Special called “Wizard Fight” where David Copperfield, David Blaine and Cris Angel try to make each other disappear.

[in space] ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions ME: Haha I don’t think so A: They can seem real GANDALF: Don’t believe him ME: I don’t

During the security announcement on the plane, they asked us to “place all loose objects in the overhead compartment” So I picked up my friend and put her in the overhead compartment.

Whats big and green and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? A pool table.

If you cross your fingers after surgery you’ll heal faster Or maybe that’s just super stichin’

Save the whales Collect the whole set. seen on a bumper sticker in PDX

If an athlete gets athlete’s foot what does an astronaut get? Missile toe.

Til, We are Homo Sapiens at school, And said that my mother. She wished My father was still Homo Erectus.