What was Tigger doing in the toilet? Looking for Pooh

You never have to worry about Starbucks running short on coffee. I hear they always have a latte

This guy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar…. I said, “Is that a fret?”

I thought about getting two pets and naming them One and Two. So when One dies, I’ll still have Two.

What is Robin Williams doing in heaven? Not sure, probably just hanging out.

What do you call a potato Kim jong un dropped in his lap? A dicktator.

What is Jesus’ favorite gun? … a nail gun!

There are three kinds of people in the world, Those who are good at math and those who aren’t.

2016: “Yeah right, Trump isn’t going to get elected.” 2017: “Yeah right, Trump isn’t going to put that policy into place.” 2018: “Might as well tune into the Hunger Games tonight…”

I asked a guy at the gym how to use a piece of equipment. “Just push the button,” he replied, “Like you would with any other hand dryer.”