Dear 70 year old man with the ponytail: stop it.

Why don’t pirates ever stop going to brothels? They can’t get enough booty.

The Doctor stuck a finger in my bum… For a prostate exam. He said “All’s fine.” I said “Stick another finger in there, please.” He asked “why?” I said “I want a second opinion.”

Apple is suing Qualcomm for selling them overpriced chips. Punchline ends.

What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

What do you call an Irishman who can’t hold his liquor? [OC] A quadriplegic.

Why did Mike Dukakis lose the 1998 Presidential election? He TANKED his campaign!

I found a stray cat today. Sadly, my dad is allergic to them so I had to put him down. At least I still have the cat for comfort.

There are 10 types of people in this world… Those who understand ternary, those who don’t, and those who think it’s binary.