I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell “SURPRISE YOU’RE ERIC’S GIRLFRIEND”

What is the ultimate Jewish conflict? Pork chops at half price

How do you call a person that speaks only one language? An American

What is the opposite of a meme? youyou.

I estimate 70% of my work conversations are just me quoting made up statistics.

The day I can’t do my job drunk… Is the day I hang up my school bus keys.

My wife thinks I’m cheating on her with our babysitter… I think she’s just bitter because she’s never been able to have kids…

What has ten legs and nine arms? Def Leppard

Why don’t they have Oktoberfest in Africa? Because nobody there is much of a drinker.